Recently, Savvy Husband received an invite to attend an event known as the “Spartan Sprint”. It appears to be one of many such “obstacle race” themed events that are becoming increasingly popular across the country. From what Savvy Husband has googled deduced, co-ed’s come from around the nation and race obstacle courses, either individually or on a team, most notably slogging through at least one mud field and consuming at least one complimentary adult beverage. Amidst the various competitions that exist internationally, it appears there may be some correlation between the number of mud fields slogged and the number of adult beverages consumed, but this is purely speculation.

Aside from getting sloshed (in mud, of course), the other primary activity the males seem to participate in is the removal of their shirts. I’m not kidding – check out the sites; if the guys haven’t stripped their top-half by the time the race starts, the subsequent photo galleries appear to exist as a testament that you will be shirtless by the time you cross the finish line. Also, you will have critically defined muscles and then you will give an interview about how this race has changed everything terrible about your life into something more closely resembling the movie ’300′. I’m not sure how that’s necessarily better, but most of the interviewee’s on the site appear to agree: The free beer is totally worth it.

Which brings me back to my invitation to this race. After perusing the website, I’ll admit I was intrigued by the free beer. I thought about the different things I would learn about myself. Working together on a team and overcoming those obstacles. I thought about how awesome I would look crossing that finish line. Then I decided it was time to quit daydreaming and return to reality.

It’s no secret if you scroll through some of the photos on this site: when it comes to Savvy Husband, his savvy doesn’t lie in his greek-god-physique (Lovely Wife may say otherwise, but that only makes her more lovely). Whenever Savvy Husband is faced with the question: “Rate your level of physical activity”, he immediately deflects with, “Well, let’s see… I believe it has been nine weeks since I’ve eaten an entire Litte Caesar’s Pizza, so I guess I’m doing pretty well – no, wait! It’s been nine and a half weeks! I guess I’m even in better shape than I thought!” When pressed further, Savvy Husband pontificates over the fact that he works for a large company, which in turn means he has to park in a large parking lot. This entails nearly a half-mile walk every day. At least, it’s nearly a half-mile on the days that he doesn’t take the shuttle. He wimps out only when it’s raining, snowing, or hailing. Also, he will make an exception and take the shuttle on days when it is really cold out. Also, on days when it isn’t too cold. Occasionally he will take a ride when the wind really picks up, or if he just doesn’t want his hair to get messed up in a light breeze. Another exception has also been exercised if he’s in before the sun has come up, or if the sun happens to already be up and is shining a little too brightly.

…so let’s face it, the last time Savvy Husband’s heart rate went up, it was because he had a minor lapse in memory and suddenly realized it was Donut Friday. Any calories burned there were quickly overtaken by the aforementioned donuts.

So! Spartan Sprint! Wherein the contestants inevitably lose their shirt! I’m not really sure at what point in the obstacle course it happens, but I’m guessing it goes something like this:

Savvy Husband: (Already barfing a lung as he approaches the half-way-to-the-half-way point) *gasp, wheeze* “Whoa! Aren’t you ‘Turbo’ from the original ‘American Gladiators’ TV show!?”
Turbo: “I am. Give me your shirt.”
SH: “Hold on, let me catch my breath – wait, you want my shirt? Can’t I just joust you or something?”
Turbo: “Absolutely not. To pass this obstacle, you must remove your blazer, then continue on the course without it.”
SH: “Okay, I see where you’re going with this, but I really think I need a pass here – you see, yesterday was Donut Friday at the office and…”

So that is why even if I enter the Spartan Sprint, I wouldn’t win. I wouldn’t bring victory to my team. On the upside, I wouldn’t lose my shirt! And that folks, may just be worth celebrating over an adult beverage…

…and possibly, an extra donut.